Okay spammers, what’s it gonna take? What’s it gonna take to convince you scumbuckets that I don’t do, buy or need any of the following:

  • stocks
  • jobs as financial analysts or whatever in your fictional company
  • Viagra or Cialis
  • whatever Hoodia is
  • millions of dollars from obscure African countries
  • a larger penis

It’s also very clever of you to intentionally mispell such words that I might put into my spam filter, or send the information you want me to see as an image file. See, I went to the trouble to set up those filters with words that refer to things I don’t want. How many people do that? So why work so hard to send me information I’m not going to look at?
Although your random gobbedegook can be very amusing, it loses its charm when it’s just a ploy to put some text in the email so my email program won’t dump it straight into the junk folder.
I’d like to set up some autoreply that would tell each spammer to go piss up a rope, but then you’d probably send me more spam, possibly involving porn, piss, and whips and ropes and chains. And I don’t need to see that stuff. For some reason, all the porn related stuff goes to my hotmail account.
If you really must spam me, at least make it somewhat gyno-centric. Ask me if I’d like to see hot firemen or buy discounted vibrators. Better yet, discounted birth control so I can help halt the future production of androcentric hucksters like yourselves. If only someone had spammed your parents with some chick-oriented spam … imagine how many fewer Viagra/Cialis come-ons I’d be dealing with today.
To sum up: I’m a girl, I know how to use filter technology, and I have no money. So go away, penis pitchmen. You’ve sorely misjudged your audience. In the age of user-customized messaging, that is a crime unto itself.

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